Are you not entertained?!

Wel, you're probably not, but since someone is and my readership can't consist of more than two that makes half of everyone reading and you better beleive that, if half of this coubtry wanted to see Les Dennis get bullied by shopping trolleys, some channel would put it on...

ANYWAYS. Without further "Apu":

*"Drive through Oscars", why did I have to start with Chris Rock again?! Rock with props to Johnny Depp and Oprah?!
*"Oprah's Favourite White Man," John Travolta comes out to Pulp Fiction (get over it!) to introduce Best Original Score (ironic he should come out to the theme from a Tarantino flick). He gives it to Finding Neverland before returning to his flying house. Winslet and Depp are colour coordinated... Boring speech even Dustin excitement Hoffman looks bored. Props to Weinstein though showing the guy REALLY knows his role.
*MARTY! EVERYONE! ITS MARTY! Humanitarian award for Roger Meyer who ran the Motion Picture and Television Fund. Fair enough actually, they do a lot of good work in preserving Cinema for future generations. Marty looks reluctant to pass on the statue to the guy, think he knows something? Meyer has props for Herschel, the guy the award is named after. Its a classy speech, a rarity.
*Annette Benning now, talking of "Film's handmaiden" music. Another performance, wait its not Beyonce?! Cellist Yo Yo Ma (SP?) shames all but Banderas and Santana as we get the in Memoriam leading with Ronnie Reagan. Peter Ustinov = Legend. As many of those shown. Good applause for Christopher Reeve. Man a lot of people I know of died last year. HUGE applause for Brando, rightly so.
*Don't let Chris Rock spoil it. Damn! Sharon Osbourne did!
*Finally a guest of note, Leonard Maltin. Did he get lost or something? Someone please kill Sharon Osbourne. I don't think either moron knows who Leonard Maltin is. Theakston takes my route and plumps for Aviator, Maltin shows good prescience however.
*Its Chris. P Diddy gets his real name. He introduces a song from The Polar Express sung by, you guessed it, Beyonce. Even though I'm not tired I STILL leave for coffee.
*PRINCE? I mean, TAKKAP?! He's actually alive? Well he presents Best Original Song. Motorcycle Diaries gets it, still not good enough. The guy sings rather than talk. That was pretty cool.
*Sean Penn looks like he's a drunk and then goes for Chris Rock's throat by attacking Chris Rock's comments on actors at the start ("I'll tell you who Jude Law is, he's a very talented actor") Well done Sean. He presents best Actress. Come on Kate... oh thats right I already know I lose. What was I thinking? Swank gets it. Penn sounds bored announcing it. More Clint props? You better believe it! Swank is genuinely appreciative it would seem. She thanks her husband first to make up for last time. Props for Morgan Freeman too. She fights the Magnificent Seven theme to mention more names, but loses after all they were only Seven but they fought like seven hundred. Seven, seven, seven! The Magnificent Seven!
*Folk from Desperate Housewives try to figure out who Jamie Theakston is. Terri Hatcher is conspicuous by her absence.
*Chris Rock tries to insult Sean Penn, but really its a no contest in class. Gwyneth Paltrow with Best Foreign Film (Where's the Motorcycle Diaries?!) I have now seen a trailer for The Choir, shame it didn't win. Banderas is pleased that The Sea Inside takes it. Not too long, not short either though.
*Samuel L Jackson brings the goodness with Best "oiginay" Original Screenplay. The Incredibles must have sacrificed their first born just to get nominated. Eternal Sunshine gets it and Charlie Kauffman looks weird. He mocks the countdown to finish the speech.
*Theakston didn't like Ray.
*Charlize Theron with best Actor. In hindsight, Ladyboy wasn't THAT bad a pick. Foxx takes it.
Spike Lee looks ready to run up with him.
*Sky lands Tom Arnold. I take it all back, I'm actually impressed.
*Julia Roberts, the only one NOT markedy thinner. Best Director. Poor Marty. Poor poor Marty. Poor poor poor Marty. Clint's mom is there, which deserves its own Oscar all together.
* Hoffman and Steisand introduce Best Film, the final hurdle is here. Again, poor Marty but Million Dollar Baby did deserve it, although perhaps not as much a Sideways. Streisand and Hoffman must be drunk.

That was quite painless, and Chris Rock really did shut up after Penn voiced his diapproval.

Sorry Purple Hero, that was shorter than I expected, I guess I should have just finished it.